Mental Health Matters: triggered by HOZ Episode

I had a busy day trying to balance books for my new retailing business. August has been a trial run to check if it’s feasible and it has proved to be lucrative. It is said that opportunity meets preparedness, am glad that I took time to plan and get ready for this endeavour. I am forever grateful for every person who has supported me and trusted me with their needs. God bless you all.

After such a long day, all you gotta do is rest but it’s one of those days when insomnia is saying let’s stay together mami. I had a little squabble with a friend and I could sense myself losing it. At least I managed to cut the call and texted him a few reminders on our boundaries. I then had another healthier call with another friend who inspires me a lot. A few minutes chatting with him gets me rejuvenated. And yea I got my nerves on point once again.

To get some sleep, I decided to check on my favourite soapie, House of Zwide on some FB page. They usually post episodes in advance and some of us can binge watch 2 or 3 episodes at once. I don’t know if its not copyright infringement but well am just a viewer. If its any harm, askies, to the HOZ team. I do this in good faith, since the storyline is so captivating that I wish it was a novel, I could have finished reading it by now. Talking of faith, am really worried about Faith Zwide. Her mental breakdown triggered some memories. It helped me see the gap of our understanding in mental health matters as Africans. I got to question myself that are ghosts really there or its her guilty conscience playing bananas with her. Being black am thinking her issue needs exorcism but now a little enlightened on mental health, I feel some professional medical attention can set her free.

Its sad that Funani and Nkosi actually believe that she is faking it. They don’t know uBusi won’t rest until she takes Faith’s soul too. Why is she haunting her now though after 20 years of Ona not knowing her true identity? This then makes me believe that, her mind is now conscious that she is getting down. Because she is overwhelmed and under so much stress, the mind can no longer take it in hence the hallucinations. Mental health conditions are the worst so far because not many understand them.

Many are ashamed to talk about them or even just acknowledging they are not okay. I always say this, its okay not to be okay cos I too got not-okay-moments at times. It sucks not being yourself, dealing with demons that only you can see. Good thing is nothing ever stays the same. Whenever it gets dark and cloudy, rains are closer. It might pour on you but be rest assured, the rainbow will cover the sky and calm the raging storm. The sun will shine again and all will be well. Uzoba strong Ms Faith, you haven’t been my favourite character but on this one am with you.

Hugs and kisses to you

Awakening your inner child

I have had a lot of questions on the event that I have been advertising lately though it has been postponed due to some unforeseen circumstances. Many people were asking, “What exactly is an inner child?” So, since I got you all my ladies at heart and I promised to keep you in my writings this month, I will do so. The other gender, get me right, please, inner child thingy is not only female 🤣, everyone has their inner child. Okay so, what exactly do I mean by this inner child thing? 🤔
“A person’s supposed original or true self, especially when regarded as concealed in adulthood,” Google says.

Am sure now you understand why our theme had been awakening your inner child. If there is anything we can all long for, it is to be our true selves. The original us without any traumas, heartbreaks, disappointments, I mean, all that made you lose yourself. According to Health Psychology Consultancy, there are 7 inner child types, I will brief you on in this blog namely; the abandoned playful, spoiled, neglected, discounted, disconnected and fearful child.

Abandoned Child feels very lonely, insecure and unwanted, and craves attention and safety; fears of abandonment accompany the adult person, even in relationships. Busy, divorced or separated parents are often the main reason for the child feeling unwanted and struggling with issues of abandonment.

Neglected Child shows itself in depressed, lonesome and withdrawn adults. Not having experienced much love and nurturing during childhood, the person doesn’t know how to express it, and believes that they are unworthy of being loved.

Playful Child an often forgotten, healthy part of the creative adult personality that knows how to have spontaneous fun, and is relatively free of guilt and anxiety.

Spoiled Child shows up as impatient adults that tend to throw temper tantrums when immediate gratification of needs and wants isn’t readily forthcoming.

Fearful Child needs to hear continuous affirmation and encouragement otherwise the adult is nearly always filled with anxiety and panic. As a child, the person received a lot of criticism from caregivers.

Disconnected Child manifests in the adult that cannot trust easily, and stays isolated and uninvolved; intimacy is a fearful and foreign experience, because the developing child never had the opportunity to learn what it means to be close to someone.

Discounted Child this child was treated as if they didn’t exist and was made to feel invisible and generally ignored; in adulthood, self-belief and positive valuation is virtually absent, and the adult needs consistent loving attention and support to feel validated.

Generally, you might feel you have one or more of these inner child and its perfectly okay. You can heal from all the inner child wounds. All you gotta do is listen to your inner child, accept her, validate her and value all the difficult emotions that emerge from taking time with her. So, awakening your inner child helps you to discover her, know how to embrace her and how to engage with her regularly. It might take a while for her to trust you completely but eventually you will get there. Simply trust the process.

Stop the war!

I have learnt to mind my own business but some happenings just get on my way and am forced to mind them too. So, Russia and Ukraine are in war, at first I was indifferent about it all. Not that I don’t care about humanity but then am like, ‘…can’t the Ukrainian President just surrender because Russia doesn’t look like it will back off anytime soon…’

This war is now getting personal ever since the petroleum prices hiked. A 2l cooking oil bottle that was once not more than R50 has doubled the price. Now everything else is increasing the price and when you are on a salary based income, you are so much in trouble. Its not enough and it will never be enough. You wonder of side hustling and your boss wants all your time to themselves. Yea, you gotta bring results coz they are the ones paying you 😂 the best favour they are doing to you. How ironic?

I have gone back to my New Year’s resolutions to check if I have made any progress and realised out of my 6 first quarter goals, only 2 have been fulfilled. The other 4, they seem like they will take years. I have been frustrated but then consoled myself by saying we still got 9 more months to go. Only what’s needed is to sit down and restrategise. A contigency plan needs to be set before you suffocate. One thing am grateful for is my coping mechanisms have greatly improved over the years so, I face each new day with as much positivity as possible, price hikes or not!

Dear woman, be proud of who you are!

As we celebrate this women’s month, I have been pondering on what it takes to be a woman specifically, a black African woman. I am proud to be who I am, and I have worked so hard to embrace my imperfections. This morning as I was dressing up for work, I took some time to stare at myself on my full-length mirror. There is a lot that I marvelled at on the way I look. My imperfect yellow teeth, thick lips, dark skin, and plumpness.

As I grinned at the thoughts that raced in my mind, I strolled in the memory lane. I remembered when I was in primary school and Samm, my friend would always make uncomfy comments about my teeth. She had the perfect white teeth, and I can’t deny she looked way prettier than me. One comment that is still vivid in my mind was, “Tabi, I wonder why your mouth doesn’t stink yet you have yellow teeth.” Perhaps it was meant to be a compliment but that got me conscious on how yellow my teeth were and how much it was associated to stinking mouth. On a good note at least, I didn’t have a bad breath.

Instead of letting this strip me off my confidence, I took some time to study my teeth. Of course, I once longed they were as white as Samm’s, but I wasn’t her and was never going to be her. I realised that its normal to have yellow teeth and in as much as my teeth are not perfectly aligned but they give me a perfect smile. A lot of people have complimented how much I have a grand smile. This has helped me understand that my thick lips are beautiful too. I once hated them when a girl named Bee in high school once nick named me Maromo (Big lips). Later, I realised some people go for surgery to get their lips thickened.

Looking at my overall physical appearance, I got chubby in my teens and felt so much unattractive. I had to vow that I would not date in high school because I felt no guy would ever want a chubby girlfriend. When I was 14, Pson the first guy who asked me out, made me realise I wasn’t bad after all. I remember him saying, “You are so chubby and cute that’s why I love you.” This compliment got me understanding that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, and no one is ugly. We all are beautiful in our own ways.

Don’t be scared to believe in you and say it!

Growing up I have also observed that the lighter skinned women attract a lot of attention. This has made a lot of my sisters bleach their skin. I for one has been proud of my melanin skin but have an older sister whom I look alike to, but she is lighter. At times she says, “I wonder why people say we look alike yet I am light, and you are dark.” I used to feel like she is boasting about her lightness until I discovered that black is beauty. I love how flawless my dark skin is and would never trade it for anything.

So, to every woman out there, you are beautiful the way you are, keep that in mind. Each day when you wake up take some time to marvel at your looks. When you put on make-up, do it to enhance your looks not to hide your ill feelings on how you look. Work out to have a perfect body for you not anyone else if you feel the need to. Whatever that you do on your body, is your choice and it doesn’t have to be pushed by all the negative comments that come your way. You are amazing, just the way you are!

It’s allowed to say NO and STOP unapologetically!

Last night my aunt sent me a video of my almost 3-year-old daughter trying to shoot her a video and she was not interested. The video starts with her complaining, “handisi kuda kutorwa picta…” (trans; I don’t want to be taken a picture). She was busy chasing a blue balloon and when she noticed that they were still filming her, she rushed and hid behind the curtain leaving her balloon still shouting, “handisi kuda kutorwa picta…” Within a few seconds, she came out of her hiding spot hoping that the videographer had given up. To her frustration, they had not given up. She took her balloon and went to hide by the side of the sofa now in tears. When she realised, they were not going to stop and everyone was laughing at her resilience, she rushed to attack the videographer. I could see the devastation in her eyes as she cried and hit Aunt telling her to stop. People around were laughing and asking her why she was not interested.

You owe no one an explation for what you don’t like. Periodt.

This hit me so hard, at what point do people really get to understand a NO? My daughter wasn’t interested, and she made it clear but to everyone else it was some sort of a joke. What I loved was she was brave enough to fight. She had to do whatever it takes to defend her choice. I hope she grows up that way, having the spirit of shielding herself. There are predators out there so the fighter in you needs to be kept alive, only to be used when need be. Of course, I don’t want her to develop violent traits. Everyone deserves to be heard.

I hope our society learns to respect other people’s choices. A no should be treated as such whether it feels silly or not. The fact that one is not interested in a particular thing they have to say it unapologetically. Our kids need to feel listened to so that they may also listen when we tell them to stop doing something. Every little thing that happens to them in these early stages, its shaping them into the adult you will see in future. Its on us to mould them into the best versions of themselves from a young age. They are indeed the future of tomorrow.

Speak out and keep your inner child at peace.

The last moment for every living being

Death is inevitable, and it makes life precious. We are born to die at some point. No one can ever say no when it heeds its call. The saddest part is we do not know when the dark cloud of death pours on us. What will end us remains a mystery.

Each time I hear that someone is dead, it gets me thinking deeply about what will end my life. Is it some sickness, accident, or suicide? Well, I don’t know. Whatever it is, my prayer is when the call comes, I need to have my funeral cover fully insured. It’s sad when you are gone and not prepared for that time especially when you are in the Diaspora.

Repatriation of a deceased body is pretty expensive and it’s so sad when you leave the entire burden to your loved ones. Of course, you will be gone but let people celebrate you till the very last second of your existence. Don’t let them curse you under their breaths for not being organised. They can flood their statuses with MHDSRIEP messages but deep inside mad at you for not preparing for this day yet you knew it would come.

Where I come from, it’s taboo to talk about death but then it’s not a secret. Let us be conscious of this certainty because we are all going to die. Be cautious of your lifestyle and save yourself from self-inflicted sicknesses.

As I write this, I am mourning a brother who died of liver cirrhosis. He chose to be an alcohol and smoking addict till his liver was corroded. All he left with us are memories of his uncontrollable drinking habits. May his soul rest in eternal peace. Alcohol is not bad, but we gotta drink responsibly.

Change begins with you

As I continue celebrating my third decade on earth and my birthday month, I thought I should write about change. Change is a process that many of us are not flexible with. Personally, I struggle with changes. If I set my mind on something, it must go the way I have pictured it in my mind. There is no grey for me, its either black or white. This has taken a toll on my emotional well being because I get so much devastated and frustrated when faced with changes. Eventually, I adapt and adjust but after so much self-negotiations and analysis.

This is the right time to change for you

Every January of each new year, we are so much hyped talking of resolutions and new beginnings. How many of us have really followed through the change pattern? I will speak for myself, I have managed to do 50% of that which I have longed to transform in each year, ever since I started jotting down my resolutions when I was 13. So, it means in 16 years excluding this year which has just begun, writing down an average of 10 resolutions a year that gives me 160 resolutions and 80 of them have been ticked off the list for good. I hope I have done my math well because it took me a lot of revision to gain the B that I earned in mathematics at O’ level.

My transformation rate hasn’t been so bad, I suppose. I strongly feel I need to up it to a 100% from this season going upwards. For 2022, I got 12 resolutions on my list which I have converted to smart goals. I strongly believe, I will be ticking all of them off the list because for the first time, I finally created my vision board and stuck it where I clearly see it and be reminded that I am on a goal-fulfilling mission. I am equipped with my change tools and everyday when I wake up, I remind myself that I need the change as I focus on my theme #METAMORPHOSIC 30. I am ready to show my beautiful wings from the ugly caterpillar that I have been for the past years.

Change is a process which requires your commitment to pull through. Set it in your mind, put it down in black and white, remind yourself constantly that you are meant to change and bound to. Its never too late to be that change you want to be. Even if you experience some relapses on your way to change, pick yourself up and continue. You only fail yourself if you quit evolving. The world will surely be a better place if we all yearn to be our better then best versions of us.

Workout blues

A journey of a thousand miles begin with one step

Walkathon or Marathon? Walkathon for me. I been thinking of burning some calories and engaged Kev to be my fitness trainer. Kev is an athlete who can do marathons. Once ran the Jo’burg District 11 School Athletics Competition and came out on the 3rd position. At times I lack consistence in what I do so, engaging someone to take me through the losing weight journey has been the game plan. The goal is to get to the dream weight and maintain it. I am just 5kg more of the excess weight that I need to get rid of.

Endurance is the word that kept ringing in my mind as I jogged. Kev set 4km for me on day one which I felt was too much for this body that has never been used to excessive workouts. I am so much used to my 15-20 minutes daily routines which I quickly abort each time I feel strained. On this day, I rued why I engaged Kev, he kept on pushing me to run even when I complained every part of me hurts. On 1.6km peg, I couldn’t take it any longer, stopped running and started complaining. Kev then ordered we go back home if its too much for me. He emphasised all the pain I felt was in my mind but well y’all know pain demands to be felt. We walked a kilometre arguing as he kept reminding me that losing weight is my goal and that I was doing it for me not him. That much I knew very well but couldn’t take it, so he then gave an ultimatum that if I quit now then he won’t coach me.

I knew how much I needed this so had to agree to take the jog again. This time around I was more loyal. All I kept in my mind is how much I conquered the 7 hours 25 minutes of labour when I gave birth. That is so far the worst pain ever, but this jog was closer to it. I took up about 2 more km without resting and I couldn’t carry on. This time I was now too drained to talk. Kev started the long talk again on how much I wasn’t going to make it if I wanted to remain in my comfort zone. My poor body couldn’t take it anymore. I felt excruciating pain all over my body and I inhaled dust which triggered some allergy. I couldn’t stop sneezing and my left nostril got runny. Without listening to the trainer, I started walking and shut myself from all he said. Finally, we got home and all I needed was to write because the pain that I felt made me long to write and stick to my writing.

But then I know I am not done yet; I really need to endure this till the end. Of course, you may give me some tips on how to lose weight without working out. It will really help because I need this killer body in my thirties.

Juzi (jersey)

A week ago I saw the video of the song Juzi by Kae Chaps on a friend’s status and I commented on it. The emotion the guy expressed really hit me on the right spot. What a great artist he is! I saw pure talent and passion in the whole piece. Maybe he has been heart broken for real, then I would love to see the chic and the type of jersey she left that’s disturbing someone’s son’s peace 😂. Currently the song had been trending on social media with all sorts of comments and his Youtube channel got a lot of views thats moola on his end. See, its easy to make money. A heartbreak can be some source of income, if he was heartbroken indeed 😂😂😂.

Most of us can relate to such scenarios when you break up and dont know what to do with the belongings of your ex. I am one person who gives away the stuff, like everything. My goal is to destroy all memories of him but then its not that easy especially when you shared fond memories together. Like how Kae Chaps put it across, its just a matter of time, eventually we forget.

Ooops someone’s son left his juzi in my jungle, am gonna send him the video 😂 but for me harisi kundishaisa rugare coz I dont even know where I put it. His friend actually texted telling me that he was sent to collect the juzi 🙄, so am like, ” are you the one who left it“. I might as well sell it to compensate for my time he wasted 😂. Apa am the one who left, we were way two different people and nothing proper would ever suffice from us. Well its always complicated.

Relationship Feud : Baby Mama vs Current Wife (Part 1)

Tabitha is a single mom, how she became one is a story for another day. Last night I dreamt of my baby daddy, which is very unusual. Back then when we were still love birds, when one of us dreamt of the other it meant the other party was thinking of them. That’s how connected we were. On this particular day it felt so awkward as I believed the connection was dead. Ever since the baby drama happened, I had such dreams only once in a while but funny thing is no matter how bad I felt he treated me, in my dreams he was always sweet and caring. In dreamland we understand each other and he answers positively to all my questions yet in real life we don’t even say a word to each other.

I woke up trying to put head and tail to the dream, pondering if he could be missing me. Anyway I couldn’t get closure so I dumped the thought at the back of my mind. Hunger pangs got me out of bed and as I started preparing my breakfast, a message got into my Whatsapp and it was an unsaved number. I checked the display picture to see if it was anyone I know and was mesmerised to see Baby Daddy and Current Wife. My heart skipped a bit, how could this happen after my dream? So, I hi’ed back to the text wondering what’s up. It was Current Wife who had thought of me on this day. She took a long time typing and my heart was beating fast as thoughts were rushing in my mind. Finally this was it;

[5/6, 10:54] Current Wife: hi
[5/6, 10:54] Baby Mama: Hi
[5/6, 10:55] Current Wife: its CW i noticed you sent me a friend request on facebook and you part of the pple that follow me …what is that u want from me
[5/6, 11:01] Baby Mama: Oookay, your name kept showing on pple hu can be my friends so i just clicked the button. But thats optional n if u aint cool with that you dont respond like u have done. On the following aspect i dont know, i could have just clicked the button unknowingly.
There is nothing that I would want from you dear. Lol am just like any other pson who could send you a friendship request regardless of the fact that am raising your hubby’s child which was just fate.

To summarise our mini chat there, she wanted to know why I had sent her a friend request on Facebook. Well, her name kept popping up on people I may know so a couple of weeks ago I just clicked the send request button without any evil intention whatsoever. She never responded to it, which was no big deal at all. What got me puzzled was, did she see it on this particular morning or she just wanted a chat with me? Her question, “what do you want from me?”, meant a thousand things to me.

So dear readers, help me here;
1.) Was Baby Mama wrong for sending the friend request to Current Wife?
2.) Was it necessary for Current Wife to app Baby Mama asking what she wanted from her?

Your honest opinions will help me understand if my sentiments are right and it will take us to how our conversation ended.