Oooops I havent been here in a while. Life has been happening and I lost track of time. My writing mojo has been at stack, battling writer’s block. I felt quite sad when I realised I last fed this place mid September, apologies to all my humble following. You are so much loved and am gonna try hard to keep you entertained as much as possible.
My tale today, is just to appreciate you all, yea Tabitha is in the gratitude mode. There is a statement that keep on ringing in my mind, my bad, I aint aware of the author but it says, “I am because you are”. So, this speaks volumes to me, I just couldnt be me without all of you. Every being we meet in each day of our lives pays a significant role. Good or bad, yea they all seed something to our presence here on earth. Naturally, I am a picky person and by default I tend to pick the negatives more but recently I had a revelation that it doesnt have to be so. Never focus your energy on the negatives because none of us is perfect. Imagine a world where we all focus on positivity, wont it be better? Yea, thats all we need. So, if I have been any negative energy unto you, kindly forgive me, I repent. I love you for who you are and wanna walk with you through your journey to becoming your best.
Its been pretty much a dark month for me yet. A lot of unpleasant events have taken a toll over my life. I choose not to dwell on them in detail but talk of my day today.
I had a scheduled business meeting at 1000hrs which I found myself late for. My colleague Pearl just chose not to complain about it. I woke up at 0715hrs, Bae had texted this lengthy message since we had some issues to straighten. I took my time to respond to it and lately I’ve been really drained with our relationship. Its not really about him, rather it was just me in my worst state. This is one weakness I have, I can’t fight for a man. If you piss me off, I am not scared to ask you to hit the road. At times such an attitude is not necessary. Thankfully Bae is still able to stand my blues. My plan was to be out of the house by 0830hrs but I found myself 30 minutes late and knew I was going to be super late for the meeting. When I got to the bus stop, there was no transport so had to rush to the next bustop which is about a kilometre away. It took me 10 minutes to get there and was fortunate enough to find a ZUPCO bus. I was in town by 0945hrs and it took me 15 minutes to get to the office.
Apparently the meeting was in Msasa, so Rusere our driver had to take us there. We arrived at the meeting 20 minutes late. Good thing it went well. After 30 minutes, we were done and back in town. I had some catching up, I needed to do with the driver so I remained in car. We talked and talked then the police just showed up and asked why we were parked there. They asked for my traveling pass and next thing they got in the car and directed us to the Central Police Station with charges of dangerous parking. We went there, then they asked for US$5 instead of just writing us the ticket for our offense which was worthy US$3. Rusere refused to bribe them and agreed to pay the fine. When he got to the paying desk, they then changed the charge to why the car had temporary plates. Apparently his car was bought this year and there has been a backlog on number plates to be issued at the CVR so 2020 vehicles had been granted permission to travel without them. When he told them that, they said it was just temporary so the car was impounded!!! I then called a police friend of mine needing assistance, she simply said “Dai mangovapa $5 yacho.” What!? It got me thinking. Will corruption ever end in our nation 🤦🏾♀️?. The greater part of my day had to be at the police station, trying to get ways to get our car out. But it was all in vain regardless the fact that CVR was still saying 2020 plates are not available.
Its only yesterday I got to understand that there is World Suicide Prevention Day. This is a day that focuses on awareness on suicide. Growing up, I heard many cases of people killing themselves over different reasons such as relationships, debts, misunderstandings and more. All these in my society are said to be the result of evil spirits from their families. But now I understand its something more than just evil spirits. I have been suicidal once or twice as a result of depression. I can trace my depression from as far back as the tender age of eleven but I only began to fully understand it at the age of fourteen. My family doesnt even know that I battle this sickness, they all think I have an attitude problem. I have only talked about it to a few people I somehow came to trust enough, that they may understand it, but I stopped doing so after a friend I trusted so much used it against me. My fear lies in being judged because its something that just comes up. I do not choose to be in a depressed mood. As I write this article, I don’t feel myself and I’m battling my sanity. I am however, thankful for my lovely boyfriend who has taken his time to be my shoulder and at times regrettably, my punching bag. I hope he forever remains this patient until I conquer this sickness. A few nights ago, I was in deep distress and feeling terribly sad and all that was in my mind was to end my dear life. Bae somehow sensed it, picked his phone up and took his time to talk to me. He managed to calm me down. We prayed together and I fell asleep. I do not love sleeping a lot but in times like these all I can do is sleep. Nothing seems to be sensible at all and I hate all that I love. I find myself inflicting pain on my body and long to be normal. With the nature of my career, I get to be coaching people to hang in there nomatter how life can be devastating. Yet here I am, battling the same ill feelings, I want to live my words too. I want to keep a rational mind at all cost. It scares me so much to be in this state. Depression is real, lets fight it together. Each time I’m like this, I take time to reflect on what triggered it. Most of the times it’s my expectations against what’s on the ground. I am learning to be more content with what’s there and ease myself off unnecessary pressure. I love my life so much that suicide is the least that I need. My beautiful Penda needs me more than anyone else. Even my Bae does, as well as my parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, clients, fans, coachees and the world at large 🤭.
I am not a fan of Marvel movies so much, but Black Panther made me want to understand the Marvel characters more. I’m that type of person who repeats a movie many times to understand it. I remember very well going to watch the Premiere of Black Panther when it was launched at Sterkinekor Bulawayo in 2018. The place was flooded, but I got in, thanks to an old friend I met there who served me first. It was a movie date for me and my dearest friend Chantal. We enjoyed the movie intensely, loved the love story of King T’Chala and Nakia. It meant a lot seeing our own doing wonders in the film industry. Chadwick’s death really broke me. What a talent cut short. May his dear soul rest in eternal peace.
We are still mourning Patson Dzamara, who succumbed to this deadly sickness too, a few days ago. May his dear soul rest in eternal peace. Colon cancer must truly fall 😭.
Lately I’ve been thinking of getting my belly checked because it has been giving me problems for a very long time now. Mummy says its been like this ever since I was young. Lol, at some point Doctor Google made me believe I had this cancer 🤦🏾♀. Well it’s my worst nightmare because it has very few survivors. I’m going to monitor my health because it is so real.
I remember vividly back in 2011 when I joined the famous Facebook. It was such a great joy having this mobile application that connected me to the whole world. Am pretty anti social in real life, so it helped me befriend a lot of people and at least save myself from the “ende unovhaira” (you’re such a snob) thing.
It’s not that I didn’t wanna make friends, just that my social skills were pathetic. Mark Zuckerberg, you were a live safer. Throughout college, FB was bae, then when Whatsapp came, I switched to the new thing.
Little by little, I lost interest in FB. This got to the extent that I now struggle to use it and somehow, it holds a lot of sad memories for me. It makes me feel like I ain’t being serious with my life.
After a long absence, last night I decided to visit my account and I got this surprise. A good friend of mine had just tied the knot. We had been through thick and thin together but then he decides that Mark should be the bearer of the good news to me. Yes I am super happy for him but a little sad that he didn’t tell me personally. He had been the guy who never showed much enthusiasm in the whole marriage deal, but after just 7 months of courtship, he has settled down!
Lol, maybe I also need to focus on settling down too. FB just has a way of reminding me that I am missing out.
I’m trynna ease this writer’s block coz July has been pretty loaded for me. Checked last night and realised I last fed you on the 25th of June, my dearest blog. I have been entangled in a series of events. Thanks to you Jada for the popularity of this word in this season. Am rather slow when it comes to trending news but when I kept seeing this word on memes, I decided to check on it. Well, too bad for you, Will but still, you guys are happy so it’s okay. Here, where I was born and bred, we don’t laugh about such matters, if I were Jada in this case, I would have been told to pack my bags there and then even if it was just a confession from the past. It is just what it is. Anyways just thought to pass by this though a bit late, my amazing blogger Mfumukazi Phiwie, explains it better. But yea following their story and people’s reaction got me thinking deeply.
Work also got the best of me. I had a perfume making training session after so long, since corona had kept us locked down. My business partner gave me a little push to call for one, and yea the response was good. We had two training sessions in one weekend. The other training took me to Concession and it was such a great coincidence as my cousins there had been waiting for me. Boy, they just had to celebrate my visit so yaa we ignored all the noise about corona and found ourselves on some drinking spree. Yes bars and clubs are closed, but you know rules can be broken a bit 🤪. It felt so good being in such an environment after missing it for so long, we braaied, drank, danced and sang like there is no corona 😃. Can’t deny the fact that in times like these a good whisky just keeps you sane. Oooh get me right, I ain’t promoting alcoholism but you know all things when done right, are just perfect 🙈. In my own justification, if need be, I dosed myself enough to keep my sanity on point. This happened in the first weekend of this month, July 2020.
Whilst still in Concession on the early morning of the 5th of July, I remember cutting off my brother Tina’s call because I thought he was about to bother me about the money I owe him since he had been asking for it lately. He called the minute we got home with this cousin of mine, Mama Jamela, boy I was super tispy so I decided to switch off the phone on him. I remember it was 3am-ish. Well, I then got the shock of my life when I woke up and saw the news that granny was no more 😭. Oh so Tina wanted to inform me that our 96-year old grand queen had finally kicked the bucket. She indeed had rested, finally. For three years she battled old age, sickness and some of the diseases the doctors diagnosed on her were too good to be true.
My family is blessed because we nursed granny, feeding her and changing her diapers as we took turns with the hired helpers. I remember at one point whilst changing her soiled diaper, she said to me, “Zvinoita kuchembera, muzukuru hona wakutondibata my extended labia minora”, 🤣 (Translation: My grandchild, look what ageing has done to me, now you are handling my extended labia minora) okay I just couldn’t type that in Shona but yea if you know you know. It got me into fits of laughter. She still kept her sense of humor though she was in pain and this we felt as she would wail and mourn all night through, on bad nights calling her dead hubby and young sister, Harugumi. In my many imaginations, I always thought she wanted them to take her but nguva ndeya Mwari (Translation: God determines when your time to die is up). Finally, we laid her to rest at our rural home in Njanja, right behind my father’s homestead.
This loss affected my hustles too, particularly my coaching business as I had to cancel my coaching sessions, mourning my granny. My coaching business partner Andre had gone back to school and so he couldn’t balance it all so yea the business suffered. I remember losing it when he just called asking me to cancel the session he was supposed to facilitate and it was to start in 12 hours. I had a few takers who had already signed up and couldn’t postpone it again as we had lost some clients earlier. Angrily I called back and oh boy do I spit venom when pissed! Thanks to my annoying lil bro Tan who brought back my sanity by asking me to end my call and check on my emotional intelligence, in his exact words he said, “Man, hamusi kuona makulacker EQ here?” (Translation: Man, don’t you think you’re displaying a lack of EQ?). That calmed me down and I realised I was taking it too far. I then called Andre and told him that I would take over the session and gladly the conva ended on a good note.
As if it were not enough my other partner from the perfume business, texted asking for a salary yet she knew we were in some crazy debt trap and haven’t been selling much 🤦🏾♀. We had agreed on first clearing the debt then we could start earning. Since I was under so much pressure, I told her that we had to split since we were no longer sharing the same language. She found my suggestion unfair though I thought I had given her lighter conditions for the split. Well she reminded me how partnerships can suck at times. We finally had a meeting and agreed to part ways.
All these events and others I am yet to share really kept me entangled and suffocated my mind, and my dear writing suffered.
I feel a little lighter now, since I have managed to scribble this down 😊.
They say pain demands to be felt. Yea, I feel it pushing and shoving my poor body. It hurts so bad that I beg death to just spare me this one and put a stop to it all. Anyways life says, “we are not yet done so you gotta stay alive”. I keep on dosing myself with them painkillers, but they must have reached their resistance levels. All I do is moan and groan in my lone space. Thank Heavens, I still can write, this is one part that has brought a weak smile on my sickly face. If I call home and tell them I’m dying, they will panic and rush to take me, yet I know the pain will vanish in a day or so. Its a very common ailment that has bothered me eversince I was twelve. Alter call after alter call, I heed to it, is it just my little faith 🤷🏿♀️, geez I wonder ! It really does bother me though. The guys in white coats advised to monitor my lifestyle towards that time when my ovarian egg hatches, but alas nothing suffices. Talk about going back to my African tradition, muthis , incarnations , bitter herbal teas uhh yuck🤢, were all pointless for my biological makeup. I wonder if I followed the instructions properly🤔. Some told me giving birth was the only way out, how I loathed the snail pace it took for me to be a mother so as to be freed from this sickness. Now, 10+ years later, a mother but look at me I’m writing whilst in bed, neither can I sit nor walk, how ironic😄. It literally feels like someone pressed the pain button on a remote control each time the pain sets in. It has taken over all my joints, weakening them whilst my head is cracking. Though it at times works, the hot water bottle therapy burns like hell 🤦🏾♀.
Send them get well soons and prayers, maybe I will be just fine…
It’s been eight good months since I left home for my own place. In one of my articles I termed this place a jungle because of its appearance. Like any other jungle, the presence of baboons is inevitable. There has been a baboon in my jungle, thieving my stuff 🤦🏾♀. Sometime last year after I evicted the tenant who had been using the other bedroom, my house help reported that she had found the door open and her money had been pilfered. I took it lightly, but the next time this baboon visited on my baby’s cutlery and food. Still, I thought it was my helper playing some games with me. One Sunday afternoon, after my maid had long left the job, I found the door open and yes, the baboon had come for my baby’s food again! Finally, I fixed the door and the visits stopped.
When I was thinking I had dealt effectively with the baboon raids, it struck again! A few weeks ago, when I was at my parents’ place, I got a call from my neighbour asking me if I had forgotten to lock the door since they saw it open. My heart skipped a beat, I thought, “This time around the baboon has taken everything.” I knew very well that the door had been locked, but anyways, he had obviously found some new tricks to open it. Without wasting much time, I found my way back to the jungle. Happily, nothing that I knew of was missing but I guessed he had feasted on my cousin’s bedroom.
On Tuesday the 16th, I got home to find the door opened. I checked thoroughly to see if anything was missing but couldn’t find any evidence of having being robbed. This baboon is a clever one, it has strategic stealing skills. It’s only yesterday when I decided to have my laundry washed that I realised some of my clothes had been stolen! What a bitter pill to swallow!🤦🏾♀ The baboon chose only the warm clothes. Just the fact that you realise someone has been going through your stuff in your absence sent chills down your spine. After the laundry incident, I went on to pack my clothes then also noticed a few more missing, he took my favorite dress, and a borrowed one too 🤦🏾♀. This got me so mad but am like, “It’s fine Tabi, you will get more.”
I woke up rejuvenated today, Friday the 19th of June but my joy turned to misery when I realised the cap I had recently bought was gone too. This infuriated me so much that I started meditating on striking back. Enzo Ishal’s song, “vanhu vakaziva kuti hausi muroyi vanodherera” (once they know that you don’t practice witchcraft they take advantage of you) started playing on repeat in mind. For the first time in my life I wished to have a feel of black magic. It could be a good idea, right? 🤷🏿♀️. Hahaha so, am calling on all the sangomas out there to gimme a hand. Maybe black magic is too much, then any of these powerful papas will do. I wanna see who this baboon is. Whoever it is doesn’t he feel sorry for this single momma? Yea striking back is the way out. 🤣
I remember when you were still in my belly, I really wanted that you be a boy. It was because I felt the pain of being a woman in this patriarchal society (a story for another day). The baby items I bought initially were all blue and I had a gift bag that decorated my room with the caption, “It’s a boy!!!” I even heard God telling me you were a boy, (guess those were just my crazy imaginations triggered by my inner desire). At 7 months I had my final scan and it showed me that you were a girl. I was so disappointed, Vovo can testify as she was right by my side (I am still especially grateful for the love you showed me throughout the whole journey). I had to ask the Radiographer, “You could have seen wrong, right?” She smiled and said, “If you give birth to a boy, come back and prove me wrong.” Patiently, I waited for your delivery day and after 7 hours 25 minutes of labour, I delivered you my baby girl. Of course, I learnt to accept that you were a girl in those last two months and secured pink clothes for you, though your boyish clothes still remained.
I remember how Tari would always tell me not to make you put on blue clothes. But honestly colours didn’t matter; I still wanted that boy child that I believed you were for the greater part of my pregnancy. But now I strongly believe, “all things work together for good”. We are best friends, I want to sleep cuddling you for as long as… I don’t know. It would have been so weird if you were a guy coz probably in your teen years that would be awkward. We can still share the same bed, bath together and do all sorts of crazy stuff because we are both females. I love you my one and only daughter. Watching you grow is just so amazing. Forever grateful for that precious sperm that scooped my ovum and completed the process of procreation. 😂
Thank you readers for your answers to my questions on Part 1 of this sequel. (Now I know and I will treat my relationship with current wife wisely, much love to you all.)
What then transpired…
After my response, I decided to ask more questions because closure was truly needed. Here is our mini chat:
[5/6, 11:07] BM: So iwewe wat did you think I was after from u? [5/6, 11:46] CW: i dont know thats why i had to look for your number and ask thot u have staff to say just like the last time [5/6, 11:48] BM: Not at all, if i had anything to say I would have looked for your number 😊. [5/6, 11:48] CW: cool then [5/6, 11:54] BW: For the record I dont have anything against you neither at your man. I made peace with my soul and accepted what happened. [5/6, 11:57] CW: maybe you should know that too i have nothing against u since the day u spoke to m i guess u noticed the type of person i am i made a prayer to God funny i prayed for you instead of being mad or anything its life at the end of the day and Mwari zvake hawanzodhakwe [5/6, 12:00] BM: Yaa and I respect you so much for that, you did what a lot of women would never do Yes God is always faithful and thats one thing that made me move on. And all happens for a reason and purpose.
To summarise our small chat, I asked what she thought about my request to which she responded that she thought I had some burning issue to share with her since the last time we talked I had had something for her. So yea, when I was pregnant, still fighting for baby dad’s attention, we had this tense fight where he cursed my family. That didnt go down well with me and got me texting her, notifying her that I was carrying her man’s child. None of us was married to him by then. She congratulated me and wished me well. That was a huge surprise because I thought she would respond angrily, but instead we had a good conversation. But she went on to fight with her man, which got baby dad fuming furiously at me. This became another reason why he totally rejected me. Anyways such is life.
Back to our chat, I then told her that if I had had anything to tell, I would have done it directly like the first time. My sentiments at that moment were that she is insecure and still feels threatened by my existence. This got me concluding our conversation by telling her that I didn’t have anything against them. Much as I wanted to ask her why she wasnt pushing her man to support his child, I just felt it wasn’t my position to do so and let it pass. She then said she was also good with me and mentioned that God would not get drunk (let anyone down). So yea, I was glad she knows that, though I did not exactly understand context she meant it in. I acknowledged that and ended the conversation because God has been faithful to me since day one and I know he will forever be faithful, which is why I named my daughter Akatendeka.
So to all my married sisters out there, it’s always good to keep great relations with the “unfortunate” sisters, it doesn’t hurt to make sure your hubby’s kids are getting the child support they deserve. Never feel threatened by BM, she lost the battle 😉, you hold the throne.
Always take note of the red flags before marriage, marriage is not gambling. Of course people change but the fact that he had the guts to impregnate someone else while you are there, speaks volumes. Remember that child will grow, you will constantly be reminded of them so uzoba strong and keep affirming yourself that you hold the throne and shun all insecurities. Maybe one day BD will want to be with his blood, check if you be cool with that too. At the end of the day love conquers all, so maybe where there is love red flags dont matter, do they?