Its only yesterday I got to understand that there is World Suicide Prevention Day. This is a day that focuses on awareness on suicide. Growing up, I heard many cases of people killing themselves over different reasons such as relationships, debts, misunderstandings and more. All these in my society are said to be the result of evil spirits from their families. But now I understand its something more than just evil spirits.
I have been suicidal once or twice as a result of depression. I can trace my depression from as far back as the tender age of eleven but I only began to fully understand it at the age of fourteen. My family doesnt even know that I battle this sickness, they all think I have an attitude problem. I have only talked about it to a few people I somehow came to trust enough, that they may understand it, but I stopped doing so after a friend I trusted so much used it against me. My fear lies in being judged because its something that just comes up. I do not choose to be in a depressed mood. As I write this article, I don’t feel myself and I’m battling my sanity.
I am however, thankful for my lovely boyfriend who has taken his time to be my shoulder and at times regrettably, my punching bag. I hope he forever remains this patient until I conquer this sickness. A few nights ago, I was in deep distress and feeling terribly sad and all that was in my mind was to end my dear life. Bae somehow sensed it, picked his phone up and took his time to talk to me. He managed to calm me down. We prayed together and I fell asleep. I do not love sleeping a lot but in times like these all I can do is sleep.
Nothing seems to be sensible at all and I hate all that I love. I find myself inflicting pain on my body and long to be normal. With the nature of my career, I get to be coaching people to hang in there nomatter how life can be devastating. Yet here I am, battling the same ill feelings, I want to live my words too. I want to keep a rational mind at all cost. It scares me so much to be in this state. Depression is real, lets fight it together.
Each time I’m like this, I take time to reflect on what triggered it. Most of the times it’s my expectations against what’s on the ground. I am learning to be more content with what’s there and ease myself off unnecessary pressure. I love my life so much that suicide is the least that I need. My beautiful Penda needs me more than anyone else. Even my Bae does, as well as my parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, clients, fans, coachees and the world at large ðŸ¤.
Tales Of Tabitha 